Dreaming of You

 

 

Since my last blog post, we have survived  the holidays, and are now fast approaching what would be Tanner’s 7th birthday. Though this time of year has become easier to navigate as time goes on, my subconscious mind is all too aware that these milestones will always serve as obstacles to overcome. In this blog post, I will share with you some of the dreams and nightmares I have had since Tanner’s passing, as every year around his birthday the dreams come back in full swing. Sometimes dreams serve as a refreshing way to see our child once more…to relive those beautiful memories…but other times it’s as if we have visited hell in our sleep. Keeping a grief dream journal is a useful way to work through the emotions that emerge when our alarms sound and pull us back to the real word.

I woke up in the middle of the night, looking around for the little boy I had just been playing basketball with. He was running up and down the court, playfully passing the ball back and forth between his sister and I before going in for the perfect layup. The ball went through the net with its signature swishing sound, and he ran up to me and wrapped his four-year old arms around my waist… “I love you Mama!” I twirled him around in the air, and we stood up to get ready for the next play….this time, he was going to try for a three pointer just like Michael Jordan! I watched as the little boy with my strawberry blonde hair turned to dribble the ball towards the hoop, the laces of his favorite black hi-tops waving behind him. He had on his green “Rondo” shirt with black basketball shorts…..so alive…so real. Bzzzzz! The buzzer went off! My alarm clocked sounded early, like a thief in the night, and brought me back to the dark reality. The last time I saw him was not on the basketball court, but wearing his favorite shirt that read “My playground is the basketball court,” lying motionless in his casket. Though, it wasn’t really him…it couldn’t have been. His face was too swollen and his hair too neat. His basketball sandals wouldn’t fit over his puffy toes, & he wasn’t jumping at the chance to see all of his friends as they walked by. No, my Tanner does not sit still this long. This wasn’t my rough and tumble little boy in front of me, and now I would spend a lifetime wondering where he had gone.

As a grieving parent, we learn to maneuver through the stages of grief as time goes on, but grief holds onto us as we latch onto the memories of our deceased child. Just when we think we have tackled those “surprise” moments, they jump out at us in mysterious new ways. “Where are you taking him?!” I screamed. Tanner was being whisked away by somebody after he had fallen and hurt his leg. Was it a doctor? Why couldn’t I get to him? Why do new doors and walls keep emerging…why is he getting further away?! I could see the look on his face…scared, hurt, alone… but with every step I took another obstacle surfaced. “I’m coming Tanner!” I could hear myself breathing more rapidly as I ran towards each door that slammed in my face..my heart beating a million times a minute. I could see the details on his clothing, small colorful dinosaurs on his white cotton pajamas as he was carried further and further away from me. The walls were made of glass, taunting me with his face as I was pushed further away. Finally, I reached him. I grabbed him and swiftly pulled him into my arms…..only to have him ripped away from me seconds later. “Tanner!!” The nightmare began over again….trying desperately to reach my little boy who so urgently needed my help.  When I woke up I could feel the beads of sweat dripping down my face. It had been a while since a nightmare like this had consumed my dreams. I quietly got out of bed to get a glass of water, quickly followed by my dog Riley. We sat on the couch for a while in silence, her chocolate brown eyes looking up at me….I can see her concern. We normally aren’t up this time of night…this isn’t part of our routine. I grab my laptop and insert the DVD that was mailed to me shortly after his funeral. I watch in the dark as his vibrant face flashes across my screen….I remember what it felt like to hold him in my lap as he dozed off to sleep, the scent of his strawberry shampoo and the sound of his breathing as he drifted off. I remember singing him his favorite lullabies on nights like this, when he had had a bad dream and couldn’t get back to sleep. Perhaps that’s why I don’t sing anymore, perhaps that part of me died with him, too. I turn on the videos of him singing “Big Green Tractor,” and I hear him quietly say “Did you get it, Mama?” before the recording stops. Yes, Tanner, I did. I sit back and watch the next few videos that he and his sister made…dancing around on the coffee table singing their favorite songs. His infectious laughter echoing through the room. Yes, Tanner…I got it. I’m so happy I did. I lay back, using Riley as my pillow. She turns to look at me as if to say, “I miss him, too,” and we doze off once more.

 

 

 

 

 

Falling In Autumn

                         

     Prior to Tanner’s death, I loved everything about Autumn. The beautiful colors, the apples, the pumpkins, the brisk fall air…everything. We loved raking the leaves, hiking through the woods, and heading to soccer games bundled up with blankets and sweatshirts. Now that he is gone, I sometimes find myself struggling to enjoy a season that took so much away from me. I’d love to be taking his goofy “first day of school” photos with his big “sissy,” but instead we find ourselves getting ready for another year without him and his infectious laughter. Tanner passed away in August, and now the fall brings painful memories of what should have been.

As I watch my daughter get ready for a new school season to start, I know that she is thinking some of the same things I am…..what grade would Tanner be in? What would he pick out for new school shoes? Would he still be wearing the same basketball themed wardrobe like the one he left behind? I know this because, in the fall, she speaks of him every day. Not just the occasional mention, but with detail. “Tanner would love my Nike shoes, wouldn’t he, Mama? They are like his basketball shoes. He would have needed all basketball clothes, and he would want soccer cleats, too. He would have been great friends with Rylan, and they would have been in the same class! They would be crazy together. I miss him, Mama.” To hear her speak of him so openly is music to my ears, as it took her several months to learn how to speak of her loss without emotions taking over and shutting her down. She now has her own way of coping with his absence, but hearing her say “I miss him” and watching the pain appear across her face opens the wounds as if they were new. She tucks his picture into her folder and walks to the car as her “Tanner” key-chain dangles from the front of her backpack. To us, the beautiful leaves remind us that Tanner isn’t coming back.

You see, in the fall, we lost our son, little brother, family athlete & clown, our snuggle bug, protector, green eggs and ham lover, crazy dancer, playmate, and all that his future would hold. We lost the ability to photograph his first day of school, take him camping, enjoy late night movies, watch him play in a championship game, attend his graduation, meet his beautiful bride, to hold his children, to have afternoon coffee together….we lost all of those memories that we were not given the time to create. Losing a child is a horrific experience, but what so many fail to realize is that it’s not just the child you lost, but also all that he would become. Eventually, the good days will outweigh the bad, but you’ll need to realize that the pain of your child’s loss will never “go away,” and you’ll always have moments in time that are more difficult to get through than the others. For us, Autumn is that moment.

To ease the heartache of Autumn this year,  we took a vacation to Maine and walked along the beach by our old house. When we lived there, many hours were spent combing the shoreline for sea glass and small crabs to pick up and befriend. After losing Tanner, my daughter and I liked to pretend that every special treasure we found was one that he had left for us. Somehow, I had forgotten this, until she ran up to me with the most beautiful piece of blue sea glass and said “Mama, Tanner must have known we were here…look what I found!” It amazes me that she continually finds ways to feel connected to him even at her young age. Through her I remember that he’ll never really be “gone.” For the rest of the trip, we found more treasures than we ever found while we were living there….starfish, sand dollars galore, sea glass,  & sea urchins……and each one convinced us even more that he was watching and enjoying our vacation with us. We chose to visit “our beach” the week of his death, and apparently he knew that we needed him and knew just where to find us. Even though we’ll never really know where he is now,  it’s memories like this that keep us from falling in Autumn.